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For the last several “anniversaries” I have said…”I am not doing this again.” I am not writing about Larkin’s death. People are probably sick of “my story.” But, each year, I am contacted with a thank you. Maybe I give some people hope because I have survived 23 years without my middle son. (August 3,2001)
Larkin Powers Honea my middle wild child who was almost bigger than life…and loved in a way I never quite understood died at the age of 22 while a senior Chancellor scholar at Ole Miss. For a young man who loved life so much…enjoyed life so much…how could he commit suicide? I will never know the answer to that question.
Larkin had many friends—he loved them—and they loved him! Something was always going on at our house! Living in the middle of town and having a big old front porch brought friends day and night.
Larkin loved baseball from an early age. He wanted to pitch the ball…and have his brothers serve as catchers! Baseball gave us lifelong friends of all ages. From Coaches to players to umpires, Larkin made his mark. Breck was Larkin’s catcher through high school. I think there was only one game Breck did not catch.
He signed with Ole Miss right out of high school. He pitched a pretty mean fast ball (95). Baseball was his life…could that be one of the things that led him to suicide? You see, while at Ole Miss, he tore his arm…even surgery didn’t repair the damage. Larkin left Ole Miss and attended and played baseball at Co-Lin with his brother Breck and many of his “growing up” baseball guys! His arm never healed. Following his time at Co-Lin, he went back to Ole Miss (which he thought was God’s country—very hard on his big brother Dickey who was a diehard State fan). Larkin was never the same once baseball was no longer an option. He was devastated. His life centered around baseball and now the center was gone. Larkin was gifted with a smart mind. He always made top grades. But, he drove his teachers crazy!
What happened in the summer of 2001? What made him feel life was not worth living?
I was working at the post office during this time. My dear friend Diane came with the police to the post office to inform me of his death. I think it was at that moment I went into shock that lasted over a year. Sure, I carried on. Continued to take care of my mother. Worked almost every day…but I remember almost none of that time.
According to author Dr. Catherine M. Sanders of Surviving Grief and Learning to Live again, “the death of a child is the most severe and the longest lasting of all griefs.” Loss of a child is the ultimate tragedy…it is like having a part of us sliced away.
How does one survive the pain of grief? The pain is both physical and emotional and causes both sickness and deep emotional stress. God, my family, and my friends gave me the strength to go forward then and now. The hope of grief lies in our ability to grow.
My heart has broken as I watched/read about friends dealing with the death of a child. There are no easy answers and no quick “fix.” Crying can help us to adapt to loss. Since Larkin’s death, I have not cried. I think I am afraid if I start, I will never stop.
Larkin’s suicide caused guilt. I felt I had missed something…wasn’t watching or listing. Following Larkin’s death, I went to Walmart with my cousin Susan. Everyone stared at me…and I didn’t make that up! When I said something to Susan, she agreed people stared.
Be kind to yourself during the heavy grief period. Don’t think you can do everything for everyone. This is a time when the attention needs to be on self-help.
God will walk the grief path with you. He will hold you up and even carry you…if you let him. I was mad at God. How could He allow this to happen? Why didn’t He put his arms of protection around Larkin? In studying grief, I learned it is very normal to be mad at God. One thing for sure, God will not turn on you. He never leaves your side even if you can’t see or feel His presence. For twenty-three years, I have leaned on the Lord. Sometimes in the dark of night, I am overcome with sadness…a sadness that never leaves. But God is always by my side.
I promise there is some kind of anniversary every month. Birthday, death date, last time you saw the person, holidays…the list goes on and on. If possible, embrace these anniversaries.
You must make the decision to live again. This is not an easy decision. Truly the decision is in your power. Somedays…one day at a time…others…one minute at a time.
Often people are afraid to talk to you or say something about your loved one who has died. But, hearing anyone call your child’s name is a pleasure to the heart. We want to remember our children…We want to talk about our children. We want to hear why you loved our child.
God is the guiding force of all life. Your relationship with God will give you strength. I am not saying the pain is gone…but you can feel his strength as you face tomorrow. Grieving must be allowed to run its natural course.
Larkin took his life on August 3, 2021 in Oxford, Mississippi. The people he had seen before his death had no idea he was suffering or fighting demons. Larkin was gone and there would be no coming back. My heart will never be the same. My life will never be the same.
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So many memories of the day Larkin was born, Ole Miss homecoming, jumping in the pool while twisting and yelling Popeye, his fabulous rhythm on the dance floor with his Larkin moves, the famous pitching, the porch, his protective devotion to Mary Lacy, his love for his Gram, his love for Sue Sue, that day. All of us loved him and hold a place in our hearts that is just Larkin’s.
What you are doing is a very good thing.
Sue, thinking of you as you go through another anniversary of your loss of your sweet Larkin. I am so
sorry. Love and hugs❤️
Thank you for sharing your memories and your story. No matter how many times it is shared, it reaches someone new who needs to hear it. You are loved, Mrs. Sue and I appreciate you.