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When the weather gets hot and August comes, my heart goes into survival mode. August 3, 2021 is the year my middle son, Larkin, died. Every year I think, I am not going to write this…people don’t want to hear the same story for 24 years…but then someone will thank me for sharing the story.
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I don’t think I was or ever will be ready for “the sound of silence.” The void left by the death of a child can never be filled. I miss the front door being flung open and Larkin screaming, “Sue Baby” I’m home. I miss the phone calls just to say I love you. I will never hear that again.
Larkin will always be 22 years old in my mind. He never grows old. He will never know his nieces and nephews. He’ll never know Lynda and Carolyn (sister-in-laws). He is missing so much!
Larkin died while a student at Ole Miss…he always called Ole Miss God’s country. He chose suicide to end the pain.
How can a mother not be aware of the pain he was suffering? Did I choose not to see? Did I block out a heart calling out for help? I will never know the answer to these and many other questions.
Now, I’m just going to tell ya’ll. I was one mad, sad mama! I saw no way I would ever have peace or clear thinking. My poor brain just couldn’t handle the sadness overload. I kept thinking Larkin would come through the front door. I thought he would drive up and say let’s go to Zips. I thought he would say headed to city park to play home run derby. I thought he would say I love you mama one more time. None of these things happened. I was left to navigate life without Larkin.
Following Larkin’s death, something inside of me died…a chamber of my heart closed forever…
I do know that “the sound of silence” can sometimes bring us peace. I need to be still and listen. Did God make all my hurts vanish…well, no. Did He make all sadness disappear…well, no. Did He make days with no pain…well, no.
But what He did do was provide the strength needed to face each day through family and friends. There are still days when I don’t want to get out of bed and choose to hide under the covers (which I think is fine from time to time.) He gave me peace, which I did not think I would ever have. He gave me the ability to forgive and to love again.
The pain left behind from a suicide is unimaginable. Dickey and Breck were devastated. Larkin and Breck were only 12 months apart. Breck had never known life without Larkin. Larkin’s precious friends who still, to this day, remember.
The question “why” is never answered. I have my thoughts and theories. There is just no answer.
I am always available (601-310-6881). I can’t make your life perfect, but I can listen.
Suicide hotline 988.
As the “sound of silence” engulfs me, I pray for the strength to survive.
My prayer will be answered…it always is.
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