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Following the death of a love one, dealing with the anniversaries is tough. There is always the birthday, the death day, Valentines, Easter, Christmas, Labor Day, 4th of July, Memorial Day, last time I saw you, last time I talked to you, last time you told me you loved me. The anniversaries go on and on.
Every year, I say I am not going to write about my experience of my son dying by suicide. I am not going to go down that path. I am not going to drag those feelings to the top. I have learned to keep everything buried very deeply. I have learned taking out the past makes the present very difficult. But, every year, my story seems to touch someone. My story seems to open a door to healing. My story is based on the love and guidance of my Lord and Savior.
Larkin died 18 years ago on August 3, 2001 at the age of 22. I cannot believe I have not seen Larkin in 18 years. I cannot believe I have not heard his voice in 18 years. I cannot believe he has not slammed my front door in 18 years. But, it is a fact…I have not had my son on this earth for 18 years.
Larkin was a student at Ole Miss entering his senior year. He was a Chancellor Scholar who had tons of friends. From the outside, his life looked fine. But, somewhere deep in his soul, life was unbearable to Larkin.
The guilt I have because I did not see the signs, pulls at my soul. How could I have missed the pain he was experiencing? I don’t know…but I did.
Guilt is a tremendous burden to bear. Sadness can be crippling. Life can be over bearing.
How does one go on? How does one make life worth living? How does one make sense out of a desperate act?
The answer my friend is in God. Yes, God! He is the one who carries us through all situations…good and bad…happy and sad. I had the misconception that if I prayed, acted “good,” and didn’t break the 10 commandments, my life would be fine. What I soon realized is that my fine and God’s fine is different. You are not going to wake up one morning and have no more sadness. You are not going to wake up one morning and feel no pain. You are not going to wake up one morning and the person you loved is physically in your presence.
What you will fine when you wake up one morning is that God is by your side because He never left you. His presence is in your life and deep in your soul.
I spent probably the first year following Larkin’s death in shock. I can remember very little about that first year. I have flash backs to certain events but do not remember “walking the walk.”
What I do remember is the friends who stood by my side as I struggled to regain my life and sense of worth. The friends who never abandoned me during my dark days. The friends who took action in helping me survive.
Sometimes all a person in deep grief needs is a smile, a hand squeeze, a hug, a pat on the back, a I love you. Sometimes, more is needed…an ear to listen, rocking on the front porch, going out to eat, going to a movie…to be included.
I so well remember soon after Larkin’s death I went to Walmart with my cousin Susan. She was as shocked as I was at the people who just stared at me like I had a disease or something. I’m afraid that disease is grief…and no one wants to catch it.
You will smile again. You will love again. You will live again. But, you will never ever forget the person you love so deeply. You will be a changed person…your life has been flipped upside down. What you may experience is that you are a person who loves stronger, laughs louder, and smiles more because you were blessed with the knowledge of how fast life can change.
I so wish I could take the pain away…that I could spend a time everyday without deep grief. God walks with me and He talks with me. We must be open to His guidance and words.
Grief doesn’t come and go in an orderly fashion. Just when we think we are “ok,” the anguish of our loss hits us like a ton of bricks. Grief is a painful season but necessary for our healing.
Larkin was loud. Larkin was fun. Larkin was smart. Larkin was handsome. Why did he make the choice he did? I do not know. I have theories. One day when I write my book, I will explore my feelings and ideas!
Often, we are so caught up in our own grief that we forget others who are grieving. I wonder if I did enough for his brothers, Dickey and Breck, when they were suffering. Even in grief, we must be aware of others and their sadness.
Psalm 73:26 states “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
My love to each of you…and on Saturday, August 3rd laugh a little louder, love a little stronger in memory of Larkin and in honor of me.
I wanted to share some pictures of the way Larkin was!!!
The main picture is Larkin and Justin Swain